I did everything I could not to break down immediately like I wanted to. She had to sit and explain where we go from here and I had to fill out my paperwork still. She scheduled me for a d&e the next morning... So here I am.. I am such a control freak and I feel very out of control. I don't want to have the surgery.. I have never had any surgery ever. I just wanted to go in and see my perfect baby on the ultrasound and see their heartbeat and maybe even find out if it was a he or she. But I can't. I just have to mentally wrap my head around it still. I hated that I had to explain something like that to Baya.
I have a lot of comfort in knowing that this is the Lord's will. Heavenly Father decided to keep this one with Him.
I know that this happens. I just didn't think it would happen to me. I am kind of going through emotional ups and downs but I am ok. Brett is ok and is more concerned with me. I just have an emptiness feeling.
I think I will be better and more able to move on once my body is healed and back to normal. it's definitely something I'll never forget, not that I want to, but hopefully it's something I will grow from. It makes me feel even more fortunate to have had the perfect and healthy children that I have.
I have to be at the hospital by 6 so I will probably just stay up until then. Brett is going with me and then staying home with me thankfully. I am grateful for such a wonderful and supportive husband. He always knows what to say and what I need.
So. I wrote a blog post about this sort of thing last year and I never published it because I didn't want people talking to me about it - prying about how I was doing because I hate that question. And at the time, I couldn't respond without being too emotional. Any way, I'm grateful for your strength to share the heartbreaks of life. I had only known I was pregnant for a few days before I miscarried so I can't imagine when you carry longer. It is hard either way because like you said, you feel a literal loss, the dream, the hope, the excitement fades for the moment, not eternally, but for the moment. Eventually it was easier to mention it if it came up without getting emotional, but even after months had passed, I overheard someone talking about their due date which would have been my due date and again I remembered, and my heart tightened. So, my heart reaches out to you at this time! Surgery, let alone for this, is scary. It can be strengthening and I know in these situations, God is in control of his children. I heard this can be common after 3-4 children because of scar tissue depending on where the baby attached in the uterus, but I don't know. I'm not sure if it's science or God influencing when I will get pregnant next, sometimes we just don't know the plan or how we will learn & grow, but eventually we can & will if we lean on Him. Love you!
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